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Amanda Foster — Reviewed writer, former magazine editor

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How to Handle Identify a False Friend Step by Step

When identify a false friend leaves you confused, worried, or unsure what it means, a clear step-by-step approach can help you sort the signal from the stress. This guide explains how to understand the situation, reflect on what matters, choose a practical next step, and know when to ask for trusted support.

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Part 1

Looking at Their Behavior

Question whether your friend constantly disappoints you.

False friends may frequently lie, break promises, or pull disappearing acts when you need them most. Reflect on the friendship over the past several weeks or months. Has this friend regularly let you down in some way? If so, you may be dealing with a fake friend.

False friends may frequently lie, break promises, or pull disappearing acts when you need them most.
Reflect on the friendship over the past several weeks or months.
Has this friend regularly let you down in some way?
If so, you may be dealing with a fake friend.
False friends may frequently lie, break promises, or pull disappearing acts when you need them most.

Pay attention to “me, me, me” behavior.

Reflect on how you feel during or after being with this friend. Do you regularly feel overlooked or ignored because they need to be at the forefront of every conversation or decision? If so, your friend may not have your best interests at heart.

Reflect on how you feel during or after being with this friend.
Do you regularly feel overlooked or ignored because they need to be at the forefront of every conversation or decision?
If so, your friend may not have your best interests at heart.
Reflect on how you feel during or after being with this friend.
Do you regularly feel overlooked or ignored because they need to be at the forefront of every conversation or decision?

Look out for uncaring traits.

Friendliness and compassion are at the core of good friendships. If your friend has a host of inconsiderate behaviors, you may need to reconsider the relationship.

Friendliness and compassion are at the core of good friendships.
If your friend has a host of inconsiderate behaviors, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Friendliness and compassion are at the core of good friendships.
If your friend has a host of inconsiderate behaviors, you may need to reconsider the relationship.
Friendliness and compassion are at the core of good friendships.

Watch for signs that they support you and your interests.

Does your friend care about who you are as a person? If so, they should come to your orchestra performances and ask you how cheerleading tryouts went. They should also remember your birthday and other important events.

Does your friend care about who you are as a person?
If so, they should come to your orchestra performances and ask you how cheerleading tryouts went.
They should also remember your birthday and other important events.
Does your friend care about who you are as a person?
If so, they should come to your orchestra performances and ask you how cheerleading tryouts went.

Check if they accept your flaws or simply throw them in your face.

Everyone makes mistakes. A good friend should be willing to give you a break and not continuously remind you of everything you’re doing wrong. If your conversations are an endless loop of your flaws or mistakes, you may need to get some distance from this person.

Everyone makes mistakes.
A good friend should be willing to give you a break and not continuously remind you of everything you’re doing wrong.
If your conversations are an endless loop of your flaws or mistakes, you may need to get some distance from this person.
Everyone makes mistakes.
A good friend should be willing to give you a break and not continuously remind you of everything you’re doing wrong.

Spot signs of guilt-tripping.

True friends understand that sometimes you get busy and can't make time for them. So, if your friend tries to make you feel bad for saying "no" or not being able to hang out, they may not be a real friend.

True friends understand that sometimes you get busy and can't make time for them.
So, if your friend tries to make you feel bad for saying "no" or not being able to hang out, they may not be a real friend.
True friends understand that sometimes you get busy and can't make time for them.
So, if your friend tries to make you feel bad for saying "no" or not being able to hang out, they may not be a real friend.
True friends understand that sometimes you get busy and can't make time for them.

Part 2

Spotting Communication Problems

See if they're uncomfortable talking to you.

These include small movements of false friendship.

These include small movements of false friendship.
These include small movements of false friendship.
These include small movements of false friendship.
These include small movements of false friendship.
These include small movements of false friendship.

Watch and see if they listen to you, or just like being listened to.

Active listening is important for building strong relationships, no matter what kind. If you make an effort to hear your friend out, but they don’t reciprocate, they may not be a genuine friend.

Active listening is important for building strong relationships, no matter what kind.
If you make an effort to hear your friend out, but they don’t reciprocate, they may not be a genuine friend.
Active listening is important for building strong relationships, no matter what kind.
If you make an effort to hear your friend out, but they don’t reciprocate, they may not be a genuine friend.
Active listening is important for building strong relationships, no matter what kind.

Set a boundary

and see if they respect it. To test a friend’s sincerity, express some limitations to them about the friendship and see how they react. An authentic friend will be willing to accept and respect your personal boundaries.

and see if they respect it.
To test a friend’s sincerity, express some limitations to them about the friendship and see how they react.
An authentic friend will be willing to accept and respect your personal boundaries.
and see if they respect it.
To test a friend’s sincerity, express some limitations to them about the friendship and see how they react.

Look for signs of envy or jealousy.

Some friends are the best as long as everyone is on relatively equal footing. The moment you excel at something, however, this person's claws may come out. If they gripe, tease, or roll their eyes at your successes, they may not be your real friend.

Some friends are the best as long as everyone is on relatively equal footing.
The moment you excel at something, however, this person's claws may come out.
If they gripe, tease, or roll their eyes at your successes, they may not be your real friend.
Some friends are the best as long as everyone is on relatively equal footing.
The moment you excel at something, however, this person's claws may come out.

Take note of passive-aggressive

tendencies. Does your friend say "okay" to favors, but then later never follows through? Do you ever feel like they are trying to subtly sabotage you? If this describes your friend, they may be passive-aggressive, a behavioral trait that can really get in the way of real friendship.

Does your friend say "okay" to favors, but then later never follows through?
Do you ever feel like they are trying to subtly sabotage you?
If this describes your friend, they may be passive-aggressive, a behavioral trait that can really get in the way of real friendship.
Does your friend say "okay" to favors, but then later never follows through?
Do you ever feel like they are trying to subtly sabotage you?

See if your secrets somehow become public knowledge.

Think back to determine if your dirty laundry regularly gets aired. If so, you may have a false friend in your midst.

Think back to determine if your dirty laundry regularly gets aired.
If so, you may have a false friend in your midst.
Think back to determine if your dirty laundry regularly gets aired.
If so, you may have a false friend in your midst.
Think back to determine if your dirty laundry regularly gets aired.

Notice if you hear from the person often.

Does your friend stay in constant communication with you? This may vary between relationships, but, for the most part, good friends stay in contact. Plus, when they do call, it’s to catch up—not merely to ask for a favor.

Does your friend stay in constant communication with you?
This may vary between relationships, but, for the most part, good friends stay in contact.
Plus, when they do call, it’s to catch up—not merely to ask for a favor.
Does your friend stay in constant communication with you?
This may vary between relationships, but, for the most part, good friends stay in contact.

Part 3

Forming Authentic Friendships

Reevaluate your relationship with false friends.

Ask yourself whether you want to continue spending time with a fake friend. Think hard regarding how you feel when you're with this person. See if they are adding anything positive to your life at all. If they are not, it may be in your best interests to call it quits.

Ask yourself whether you want to continue spending time with a fake friend.
Think hard regarding how you feel when you're with this person.
See if they are adding anything positive to your life at all.
If they are not, it may be in your best interests to call it quits.
Ask yourself whether you want to continue spending time with a fake friend.

Have a talk with the friend.

Tell your fake friend what you've been noticing about their behavior. Be clear about how their actions have affected you. Then, use how they react to help guide your decision.

Tell your fake friend what you've been noticing about their behavior.
Be clear about how their actions have affected you.
Then, use how they react to help guide your decision.
Tell your fake friend what you've been noticing about their behavior.
Be clear about how their actions have affected you.

Lower your expectations to protect yourself from getting hurt.

To avoid dedicating too much of your time and energy to false friendships, change your expectations about certain people. By lowering your standards, you won’t have to constantly feel let down or ignored. You might continue to have these people in your life, but not put too much time or effort into the relationship.

To avoid dedicating too much of your time and energy to false friendships, change your expectations about certain people.
By lowering your standards, you won’t have to constantly feel let down or ignored.
You might continue to have these people in your life, but not put too much time or effort into the relationship.
To avoid dedicating too much of your time and energy to false friendships, change your expectations about certain people.
By lowering your standards, you won’t have to constantly feel let down or ignored.

Connect with people with whom you have common interests and values.

Meet new people that have the same interests as you by starting a volunteer commitment, taking a new class, or joining a club. When you’re hanging out with new people, pay attention to how they engage to see if they also have the same values as you.

Meet new people that have the same interests as you by starting a volunteer commitment, taking a new class, or joining a club.
When you’re hanging out with new people, pay attention to how they engage to see if they also have the same values as you.
Meet new people that have the same interests as you by starting a volunteer commitment, taking a new class, or joining a club.
When you’re hanging out with new people, pay attention to how they engage to see if they also have the same values as you.
Meet new people that have the same interests as you by starting a volunteer commitment, taking a new class, or joining a club.

Use caution when sharing personal info with new friends.

Turn new acquaintances into deeper friendships by making self-disclosures. Do this carefully and gradually, though. You don’t want to risk sharing something too intimate with someone who won’t be a true friend.

Turn new acquaintances into deeper friendships by making self-disclosures.
Do this carefully and gradually, though.
You don’t want to risk sharing something too intimate with someone who won’t be a true friend.
Turn new acquaintances into deeper friendships by making self-disclosures.
Do this carefully and gradually, though.

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